Saturday, April 9, 2016

Flood of Contemplations

It's been so long since I've really written anything down, I think I need to get the thoughts swirling around my brain out somewhere.
Sometimes, I just feel frustrated with being me. I hate being trapped in this sinful body; I hate that I can't be the person I should be. That I can't respond well to stress, that I buckle when I'm tired and am mean to my  family. That I can't be the true, unselfish friend I should be. That I hate spending even just one full day just in my own home, which I am so blessed to have. I hate that I have a hard time listening to and understanding instructions.
I hate that while parts of me can't wait for the summer, other parts dread it. I dread the weeks with no fixed schedule. I long for a passion to pursue during those weeks, yet I can't think of anything. I used to write, my whole childhood; countless stories were begun, I was always writing. Then the flood stopped. I can't write anymore. I haven't been able too since I was 12 or 13. I'm not all; I can't draw, or paint, or craft.
When people ask me about my hobbies, all I can say is reading and playing piano. I am grateful to play piano; it is a wonderful thing. Yet, I feel I've fallen so far behind where I should be, and can never catch up. I can't be good enough at it.
I love to sing; but allergies often make it difficult for me.
I have ideas for the summer; I want to volunteer at a special needs camp. But I'm too afraid to leave my comfort zone. I'm scared to go alone, without a family member, for a week. Possibly without even a friend, in a completely new environment. I'm selfish. I should want to go and make a difference, but I'm too scared. And even the part of me which wants to go probably only wants to go for selfish reasons.
When I look back through what I've written, what I see is this; me, me, me. Not enough Him. I've been feeling convicted lately, because I don't spend much time in prayer and the Word anymore. I've been praying a bit more; but I still haven't made reading the Bible a priority. I put it off, thinking getting my homework done is more important. I need to change that. ((So if anyone feels like messaging me and keeping me accountable, please do!))
I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately:

I want to be a more humble person; not looking down on the people who drive me crazy, and not thinking of myself as less than those around me. It is difficult; but I can do it. I long to be that person who seems to be constantly reaching out to others, with not thought for herself. But again, I know only God can help me do this.
I'm not really sure where this post is going, but I always feel better once I get my jumble of thoughts out of my head.
This has really what's been on my heart lately, and although I don't know what conclusion I'll end up with about camp and such, the one answer I do have is God. I need to turn to Him, to His letter to us, and His open arms waiting for me.
I think I'm going to try to put up weekly devotional journals, to keep myself accountable to reading the Bible, and too help me to not simply skim over my reading but absorb it.
Anyway, there's my flood of contemplations, and if you've made it though them, wow--and thanks.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
 In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths."
-Proverbs 3:5-6
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  1. Long time no see, Christine. :) I'm sorry you're having a little bit of a rough time with frustrations. I totally understand a few of those things - like the small list of hobbies. I feel a tad embarrassed when people ask what I've been doing over the summer and I say the same things every year lol. However, I do have a lot of interests, they're just so normal to me and a part of my life that I don't notice them when it comes time to tell others what I like. I think you might be in the same boat. It's not like you're a boring person! And even if you do only have a couple of hobbies, there's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone has a mile-long list of loves.

    You're 15, right (according to your about page)? I'm 18. We're both at those ages where our thoughts are all over the place, our minds are in a state of flux. Changes are everywhere, physically and mentally, with ourselves and with our lives. We're starting to figure out who we are, etc., but it's all a process. You'll figure it out as you go, and as you grow. Obviously, things aren't going to just magically resolve themselves; we all need to push a bit. But don't worry about it. Don't stress. Someday you'll be sick and tired of staying in your comfort zone - you'll be like, "This is ridiculous. It's time to get past this." And viola! :) lol. But really. You'll do whatever you need to do when you're ready to do it. If there's one thing I've learned over the last couple of years, it's that.

    Nice to see you posting again! Sorry for the wall of text. ^^ Best wishes!

    1. Awww, thank you for leaving such a sweet comment! Thank you for understanding me!
      Yes; I just turned 16. I needed the reminder that it's ok if I still don't quite understand who I am. I'll get there. :)
      Thanks again for your kind words, Eve!

  2. Umm Christie, have you been in my head?! Haha I feel you!!!!!
    I'm so sorry you have been having a hard time with life Christine! I've always struggled with hobbies and what my "thing" was. I still feel that "what's my thing?" moment even as I graduate (which is very scary indeed). We're going to have rough days, or weeks, or months where we feel lost. I know from my own personal experience that not everyone has a lot of hobbies! I never did and still can't say that I do.
    You're an amazing, sweet girl Christine - I see Jesus' light here on your blog, your comments on my blog - I know He has a plan for you! Remember that your identity doesn't rest in what you can and can not do but Who God is. He has a different plan for everyone. He'll give you opportunities to leap out of your comfort zone and the trust to do it. At almost eighteen I still don't think I've done too much to say that I've went all out in faith.
    I'm still waiting for a job, volunteer moment, an OK from God to pursue writing as a career. I want to pursue passions but don't see an open door which is highly frustrating! I'd love to say that as an almost-adult I have it all together but it's far from it!
    It takes time, it's easy to be impatient (believe me - I know!), but I also know God will lead and guide you. He has me, He will you.
    If you need a friend to ramble to I'm here (even if it's just to fangirl about Merlin haha). Just so you know, I love e-mail pals ( ♥
    I'll be praying for you!!!
    P.S Was I any encouragement? Haha. Hopefully my ramble made sense. :D

    1. Sorry I spelled your name wrong. :P

    2. Awww, thank you, Kara! I'm sorry it took me so long to write back, but my emotions have been in a constant flux, so I've been waiting to get back to this post till I'm a bit more rational. ;)
      THANK YOU for everything you wrote! It is all so encouraging and means so much to me. I will pray for guidance for you as well, and I'd love to be email pals. I will try to write soon. :)

  3. That post really inspires me, Christine. I'll be praying that you have peace of heart. I'll leave you with this verse. Romans 5:1 Therefor, since we have been justified through faith, we may now have peace with God through our LORD Jesus Christ. and John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

    1. Thank you, Allie! I love that verse and I always appreciate your prayers. :) Next time I'm feeling like this, do me a favor and give me a whack on my head!;) Love you, Girl!

  4. Christine, I can't express how much I've lately been feeling this way as well. The worst feeling about this, is how you feel at night when you review and revisit all those times you could've been nicer, could've been more supportive, but you weren't. Ugh, I feel as though I should somehow say something uplifting, but I guess we're both in the same boat and our one and only hope is to keep trying and trusting in Jesus.

    1. YES. To everything you just said! I'm sorry you feel that way, too, though, Mariya. I will pray for you! :(


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