Saturday, April 9, 2016

Flood of Contemplations

It's been so long since I've really written anything down, I think I need to get the thoughts swirling around my brain out somewhere.
Sometimes, I just feel frustrated with being me. I hate being trapped in this sinful body; I hate that I can't be the person I should be. That I can't respond well to stress, that I buckle when I'm tired and am mean to my  family. That I can't be the true, unselfish friend I should be. That I hate spending even just one full day just in my own home, which I am so blessed to have. I hate that I have a hard time listening to and understanding instructions.
I hate that while parts of me can't wait for the summer, other parts dread it. I dread the weeks with no fixed schedule. I long for a passion to pursue during those weeks, yet I can't think of anything. I used to write, my whole childhood; countless stories were begun, I was always writing. Then the flood stopped. I can't write anymore. I haven't been able too since I was 12 or 13. I'm not all; I can't draw, or paint, or craft.
When people ask me about my hobbies, all I can say is reading and playing piano. I am grateful to play piano; it is a wonderful thing. Yet, I feel I've fallen so far behind where I should be, and can never catch up. I can't be good enough at it.
I love to sing; but allergies often make it difficult for me.
I have ideas for the summer; I want to volunteer at a special needs camp. But I'm too afraid to leave my comfort zone. I'm scared to go alone, without a family member, for a week. Possibly without even a friend, in a completely new environment. I'm selfish. I should want to go and make a difference, but I'm too scared. And even the part of me which wants to go probably only wants to go for selfish reasons.
When I look back through what I've written, what I see is this; me, me, me. Not enough Him. I've been feeling convicted lately, because I don't spend much time in prayer and the Word anymore. I've been praying a bit more; but I still haven't made reading the Bible a priority. I put it off, thinking getting my homework done is more important. I need to change that. ((So if anyone feels like messaging me and keeping me accountable, please do!))
I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately:

I want to be a more humble person; not looking down on the people who drive me crazy, and not thinking of myself as less than those around me. It is difficult; but I can do it. I long to be that person who seems to be constantly reaching out to others, with not thought for herself. But again, I know only God can help me do this.
I'm not really sure where this post is going, but I always feel better once I get my jumble of thoughts out of my head.
This has really what's been on my heart lately, and although I don't know what conclusion I'll end up with about camp and such, the one answer I do have is God. I need to turn to Him, to His letter to us, and His open arms waiting for me.
I think I'm going to try to put up weekly devotional journals, to keep myself accountable to reading the Bible, and too help me to not simply skim over my reading but absorb it.
Anyway, there's my flood of contemplations, and if you've made it though them, wow--and thanks.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
 In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths."
-Proverbs 3:5-6
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Thursday, April 7, 2016

Easter Sunday {3.27.2016}

I know Easter was going on two weeks ago, but I thought I would put up pictures anyway. We had my "second family' over, and it was a really fun day! I wish I had the pictures M got, too, though. :)
By the way, I apologize I haven't really been writing; I know that either I haven't been posting at all, or I've been keeping a virtual scrapbook. I do have ideas for writing, but they're kind of bottled up, so I'm just waiting for a better time.

Baby H and her daddy. Isn't she the cutest? Love her beautiful blue eyes!
M and me. Can you tell it was wet?

Helping the littles in their hunt for eggs.

Noah hunting eggs in the downpour

H and D! <3 p="">

Baby H and D, enjoying hunting in the backyard reserved just for them

The cupcakes one of the girls made. Aren't they amazing? And they were pretty tasty too. :)

Everyone at dinner! (Except for Mom, who was taking the picture)

"Sky Guy". For anyone who remembers, this is the little boy I posted a prayer request about over a year ago when he fell off a ski lift. He's doing so well now!

 It was such a wonderful day celebrating our risen Savior! How did you spend it? :)
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